Marketday

Today I have been good. I have been outside with alot of people. It did not bother me at all actually. My fiancee's boss and his girlfriend was with us. I really like her. I would not mind having her as a friend.
But as usual I am scared that she might think Im weird..
It is a very hot day today. For being Sweden atleast. Around 30 degrees. I think I burned my shoulders a bit..

I did a selftest online for diferent kind of syndromes. It said I might have Aspergers and maybe also something neurotice. I will print the text and take it to my psycologist next time. Maybe its nothing to bother about. But seeing we have it in the family.. it wouldnt be too odd. And I have never felt like everyone else. When I was younger it was easier. Think I was lucky with friends aswell.

Maybe you wonder why I write this anyway? It is like an open diary indeed. But I thought that maybe, someone, outthere, might recognize themself in my text. Maybe someone can get hope from all my experience.

The diagnosis

First visit at the psychologist yesterday. I was nervous as hell..
After one hour of talking, pouring out my life and my fears.. He says: Im not too sure you actually have social phobia.
I froze.. What? I dont? But.. then what?
No, he said. You might have it, but Im not sure. But for me it sounds more like you have panic syndrome.
I think I took a deep breath then. And relaxed. Maybe finally I will get a proper diagnosis, and proper help.. finally!


So who am I? And what kind of sickness do I have?
I am a female in my "best" 26 years. I live in Sweden with my fiancee. Since 7 years now, I have had social phobia and panic attacks and depression.
It started when I firsted moved away from home. Far away from everyone I knew, to live with my ex-partner and start a new school. This was 2002.
All was fine until 4 weeks into school. I suddenly got ill and we soon figured out it was the apendix. I rushed into hospital to remove it. Operation went fine.. but I was not. My belly is always and have alway been very sensitive.. An operation for me was horrible! They kept me there for more then a week. And when I finally came home I was stuck in bed for 4 months..
The social phobia came as a shadow crawling out under my bed.
I didn't dare go out from the apartment. I was scared for other people.. I hated everyone and everything. I cried everyday and wondered what the heck was wrong with me?

I contaced a doctor that told me I had social phobia. He gave me medicin for the depression so I could atleast hold my head up over the surface. He also sent me to my first psychologist.
I dont know how many I've met so far. Not all was good. Some didn't care how I felt, some just couldnt help me.
Autumn -03 I got into a group therapy. We were 5-6 people with the same situation, same fears. It worked. I did feel better after that. Just that I didnt have anything to keep it up with, so I soon went down again..

2004 I moved back to my hometown with my ex. (not ex at the time ofc)
I started something they called plus-job. It was for people who had been without job for a very long time (atleast 2 years). I got thrown into 100% work just so at an elderyhome.
I thought I could make it. I like the place and the people there. But I failed.. again.
I held out for a year. Suddenly my belly started acting weird. It hurted when I woke up and I had to run to the toilet all the time. I had constant diareeah for 5 months.. This was the worst period of my life. I felt like I was going to die. Ofcourse the depression came back with full force and everything was black. I wanted to end my life.
Summer.. I dont remember anything of that summer. I dont remember where we spend midsummer, I dont remember what kind of weather we had. All I remember is constant pain and darkness.. My heart ached so I thought I would be better off ripping it out.
Me and my partner ended our relasionship. It was well needed. We both were ill and worned down.. We couldnt make it together.

At the same time more or less I met my love. We had been friends for a few years but suddenly I saw the potential in him. I think it took a week before we both realised we had fallen for each other. Today we live together. :)

I thought my social phobia was more or less gone. I can go to the store and shop, I can meet new people, I can talk to strangers. I might not like it, but I do it.
So maybe the psychologist is right. Maybe I actually dont have social phobia anymore. Maybe this is something else. A fear of working. For all the bad experience Ive had. And yes.. it is a lot. I will tell you that tale another day though.
This is how it all started and this.. is how I will start my new life. For once I actually have hope again. I WILL get well!