Utredning

8 mars.. då börjar äntligen min utredning!

Bättre dagar

Det börjar se ljusare ut. :)
Har äntligen varit in på sömnlabbet igen. Fick ligga över en natt och testa om jag har sömnapné. Det hade jag inte. Eller nja.. jag har andningsproblem. Men inte tillräckligt för att förklaras om apné. Istället tror man att jag har depression. (Som det var nåt nytt. ;) ) Och att det är ett av mina symptom, även om jag i stort sätt måt bättre annars.
Så imorgon ska jag träffa psykläkaren och förhoppningsvis få en bättre medicin, som piggar upp istället för att göra mig så trött som efexoren gör.

Dock har jag varit jätteduktig de senaste dagarna. Lördag upp 10. Söndag 9, och idag 8. (Snickaren kom för att fixa klädkammaren där vi fått in röklukt från grannen..) Och imorgon måste vi också upp tidigt. U-sala igen, och sen läkaren.

Äh..

Naturligtvis ringer doktorn och jag har verkligen jättesvårt att höra vad han säger.. Jag har verkligen ingenting emot utländska människor, herrejösses jag bor ju ihop med en. ;) Men när jag inte förstår vad de säger.. då blir jag lite stressad, speciellt när det handlar om min hälsa.
Tydligen skulle jag inte läggas in direkt iaf, utan jag skulle få en återbesökstid.. snart hoppas jag. För han blir pappaledig i slutet av nästa vecka..

Sömnlabb

Kanske kanske rör det på sig igen. Ringde återigen sömnlabbet i Uppsala då jag skulle ha blivit kontaktad i Augusti.. och nu är det November. Möjligen kan jag få läggas in igen redan på onsdag-fredag. *hi5* Isåfall så lär de ju kolla apné. Min sömnstörning borde ju vara orsakat av nåt iaf.. men vad.

Trött..

Jag orkar snart inte mer. Min energi är så låg. Jag bara sover och sover. Orkar inte ens skriva på engelska just nu. =/
Och som att det inte ska vara nog så känns det som att allt bara går emot mig. Jag har inga vänner.. om man inte räknar min familj då. Jag har bekanta. Föredetta vänner. Folk som jag inte kan säga att jag direkt känner längre. Det gör mig ledsen.. Ensam.
Samtidigt kan jag inte klandra dem. Jag menar.. Det är ju jag. Trots allt. Jag som förut alltid var så glad, så levnadssugen så engagerad. Numer är det bara ett skal.
Jag vet också att jag är dålig på att behålla vänner.. Jag är duktig på att dra mig undan. Inte orka prata. Inte våga träffas. Klart de inte orkar hålla sig kvar. Skulle jag själv det?
Nej.. jag är trött.

Den 14/9 har jag tid för utredning. Jag är rädd.. livrädd faktiskt. Även om jag är 95% säker på att det är Asperger jag har, så betyder det ju inte att de håller med mig. De kanske tycker att jag bara försöker fly undan, vara lat igen.
Jag hoppas att min syster följer med. Som en trygghet. Plus att hon redan gått igenom den biten med sin dotter. Hon vet hur det går till. Hon kan också förklara för läkarna hur jag var som barn. Och hon kan förklara för mig, då eller efteråt, det som jag uppenbarligen kommer missförstå. Som jag alltid gör.

Nej.. nu ska jag sluta skriva för mig själv. Har svårt att tro att någon läser, eller orkar bry sig. :)

Meeting 2

Last week I was back at the psycologist. He didn't believe I could have Asperger. For the only reason that I dont talk monotony.. And he felt he got contact with me. Weird.. both my sisters says. Neither of their kids talks weird, neither of them are hard to get contact with. If you talk monotony and is hard to get contact with, you most likely have a really really severe case of Autism.. Asperger is an autism, but a higly functional one.
So next meeting I will bring my oldest sister. It will be on thursday.

The Asperger

This is my suspicion. I did a selftest, a big and rather good one. It came out a bit.. suprising. According to that one its very likely I have this. 3 of my sisters kids also have this. 2 have the diagnosis, 1 is on the way. But there are more, my onkel, his son etc. Wich makes it ofc even higher "risc" that I also can have it.
Talking to my sister she said she had already had the thought. Since she is living with one that has the diagnosis, she has seen alot of that in me.
So on thursday.. when I go to the psycologist, I will bring the testresults and see what he says.

Talking to my fiancee, we both agree that so much fits together knowing more about the syndrome. All my other problems.. is also going hand in hand with the AS. (aspergers syndrome)
We are more prone to get social phobia, panic attacks, depressions, belly problems, sleeping disturbings. You name it..
Someone said that my sleepingpattern looked very much like someone being burned out. Even that is also very usually to get when you have AS.. I might just be psycically burned out.. from all I have gone through, from all the years I've been ill and not knowing what was wrong.. feeling I was weird and not like everyone else.

Want to read more?
http://http//en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome

Sleeplab

I was at the sleeplab for 2 days to check why I sleep so much. Usually I sleep up to 13 hours per night. And Im still not rested. I can even continue sleeping more during the day.

Normally it should look like this:

Mine looked like this:

I have a very disturbed curve so to speak. We dont know why just yet.
You should have 3-4 rem-periods, where you dream. (marked in red) I have two.. small.

Something also wakes me up every 20 min more or less. I go from deepsleep up to awake. (Not noticing ofc.)
But I do have my suspiciouns now.. After reading alot and talking to others.

Friends..

I often feel alone. I do have my fiancee and my cats and my family. But friends? Sure I know alot of people.. but there are so few that I can call friends. Dont think I even have any close friends anymore. When I was young I had several close friends and a bunch of normal friends. I was never alone..
Is this part of growing up? Or is it me?
I notice I have a hard time to keep friends. Even if I feel alone and would do anything to feel apriciated and loved by others.. I fear them. Im scared that they will think bad of me. that they will think Im weird and not worth the effort. So I drag myself away from them.. And then I sit there alone.. wishing I wasnt.

Marketday

Today I have been good. I have been outside with alot of people. It did not bother me at all actually. My fiancee's boss and his girlfriend was with us. I really like her. I would not mind having her as a friend.
But as usual I am scared that she might think Im weird..
It is a very hot day today. For being Sweden atleast. Around 30 degrees. I think I burned my shoulders a bit..

I did a selftest online for diferent kind of syndromes. It said I might have Aspergers and maybe also something neurotice. I will print the text and take it to my psycologist next time. Maybe its nothing to bother about. But seeing we have it in the family.. it wouldnt be too odd. And I have never felt like everyone else. When I was younger it was easier. Think I was lucky with friends aswell.

Maybe you wonder why I write this anyway? It is like an open diary indeed. But I thought that maybe, someone, outthere, might recognize themself in my text. Maybe someone can get hope from all my experience.

The diagnosis

First visit at the psychologist yesterday. I was nervous as hell..
After one hour of talking, pouring out my life and my fears.. He says: Im not too sure you actually have social phobia.
I froze.. What? I dont? But.. then what?
No, he said. You might have it, but Im not sure. But for me it sounds more like you have panic syndrome.
I think I took a deep breath then. And relaxed. Maybe finally I will get a proper diagnosis, and proper help.. finally!


So who am I? And what kind of sickness do I have?
I am a female in my "best" 26 years. I live in Sweden with my fiancee. Since 7 years now, I have had social phobia and panic attacks and depression.
It started when I firsted moved away from home. Far away from everyone I knew, to live with my ex-partner and start a new school. This was 2002.
All was fine until 4 weeks into school. I suddenly got ill and we soon figured out it was the apendix. I rushed into hospital to remove it. Operation went fine.. but I was not. My belly is always and have alway been very sensitive.. An operation for me was horrible! They kept me there for more then a week. And when I finally came home I was stuck in bed for 4 months..
The social phobia came as a shadow crawling out under my bed.
I didn't dare go out from the apartment. I was scared for other people.. I hated everyone and everything. I cried everyday and wondered what the heck was wrong with me?

I contaced a doctor that told me I had social phobia. He gave me medicin for the depression so I could atleast hold my head up over the surface. He also sent me to my first psychologist.
I dont know how many I've met so far. Not all was good. Some didn't care how I felt, some just couldnt help me.
Autumn -03 I got into a group therapy. We were 5-6 people with the same situation, same fears. It worked. I did feel better after that. Just that I didnt have anything to keep it up with, so I soon went down again..

2004 I moved back to my hometown with my ex. (not ex at the time ofc)
I started something they called plus-job. It was for people who had been without job for a very long time (atleast 2 years). I got thrown into 100% work just so at an elderyhome.
I thought I could make it. I like the place and the people there. But I failed.. again.
I held out for a year. Suddenly my belly started acting weird. It hurted when I woke up and I had to run to the toilet all the time. I had constant diareeah for 5 months.. This was the worst period of my life. I felt like I was going to die. Ofcourse the depression came back with full force and everything was black. I wanted to end my life.
Summer.. I dont remember anything of that summer. I dont remember where we spend midsummer, I dont remember what kind of weather we had. All I remember is constant pain and darkness.. My heart ached so I thought I would be better off ripping it out.
Me and my partner ended our relasionship. It was well needed. We both were ill and worned down.. We couldnt make it together.

At the same time more or less I met my love. We had been friends for a few years but suddenly I saw the potential in him. I think it took a week before we both realised we had fallen for each other. Today we live together. :)

I thought my social phobia was more or less gone. I can go to the store and shop, I can meet new people, I can talk to strangers. I might not like it, but I do it.
So maybe the psychologist is right. Maybe I actually dont have social phobia anymore. Maybe this is something else. A fear of working. For all the bad experience Ive had. And yes.. it is a lot. I will tell you that tale another day though.
This is how it all started and this.. is how I will start my new life. For once I actually have hope again. I WILL get well!